Do you want creepy? Grimm? Possibly poisoned with a little sass on the side? Say less, darling. Let me grab my spookiest tea set, fluff my velvet cloak, and conjure the twisted AF version of a tale we all thought was about dwarves, true love, and wholesome woodland vibes.
Spoiler alert: it is not.
Coming right up is:
☕️ Alice Spills the Tea: The Sinister Snow
The Creepy Original Story of Snow White
(By the Brothers Grimm, as retold by your favorite Mad Tea Mistress)
Darlings, gather close - because I’m about to ruin your idea of Snow White faster than a poisoned apple at a royal buffet. Forget chirping birds and singing dwarves. The original story? It’s dark. It’s deadly. It’s dripping with queen-sized envy and enough attempted murder to make even Rumplestiltskin blush.
Let’s spill the tea...
Once upon a twisted time...
A queen, probably bored out of her royal skull, sat at a frosty window and pricked her finger while sewing. Because, you know, embroidery with blood is always the vibe.
She sees the red against the snow and thinks, “I want a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony.”
Girl. That’s not a baby request - that’s a potion recipe. And naturally, the universe heard her. She got her Snow White.
But of course, as it always goes with fairytale moms... she dies. Poof. Exit stage left.
Then comes the new queen.
And honey, she is serving evil stepmother realness. Vain? Check. Petty? Check. Obsessed with her enchanted mirror and a solid contender for “Most Likely to Hex a Teenager.”
She finds out little Snow is growing up to be a stunner, and she’s like, “Not on MY throne, witch!”
So what does she do?
Orders a huntsman to take the girl into the woods and smurder her.
Oh, and bring back her lungs and liver as proof. Y’know. Casual.
But plot twist - huntsman has a conscience.
Instead of offing Snow White, he lets her go and smurders a boar to pass off as the kid. The queen?
Eats those organs.
Yes. EATS. THEM.
Cannibalism, sweetie. Oh my Gods, We are so NOT in Disneyland anymore.
Snow White finds a tiny cottage.
And surprise! Seven dwarves live there. No backstory, no explanation. Just vibes and a suspiciously organized house for seven dudes with names like “Grumpy.”
She becomes their cook and housekeeper. Because of course.
The dwarves say, “Don’t let anyone in while we’re gone.”
So naturally, what does Snow do?
She lets someone in. Repeatedly.
The Evil Queen goes full smurder mode.
She tries to smurder Snow THREE TIMES:
Tightens her bodice so hard she faints.
(Dwarves revive her. Miracle fashion CPR?)Poison comb.
(Girl, why are you letting strangers do your hair?!)Finally: the classic poisoned apple.
This time, the dwarves can’t save her.
Snow White appears dead. So they... put her in a glass coffin. Because burial is so last century, apparently.
Now here comes the prince.
Creeper alert. He sees the “dead” Snow White in a coffin and says, “Can I have her?”
LIKE, SIR. SHE’S NOT A PET ROCK.
But the dwarves are like, “Sure! Take the corpse, we guess?”
And off he rides with her in a glass box.
Then someone drops the coffin.
The piece of apple dislodges. She coughs and suddenly -
BOOM. Back from the land of the dead.
No kiss. No magic. Just gravity.
And they live happily ever after, right?
HA! You thought.
They invite the evil queen to the wedding. She shows up all smug until she realizes the bride is Snow White.
Then what happens?
They force her to dance to death in red-hot iron shoes.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
So let’s tally that up, shall we?
- Envy-fueled murder attempts? 3
- Cannibalism? Oh yes.
- Creepy corpse romance? Yup.
- Hot metal dance party? You bet.
- Happy ending? …Debatable.
Snow White isn’t a tale of kindness and woodland charm. It’s a gory, gothic horror show with mirror sass, attempted child smurder, and wedding day revenge that could give Lucifer himself the chills.
So next time you see a shiny red apple, maybe don’t take a bite.
Just sayin’.
Retold by your whimsical horror hostess,
Alice, Queen of Ink & Lore
☕️ From the Quill of the Mad Tea Mistress
